John “Atco” Atkins declares himself “King of the Quaich”

In an official Team USA announcement made on June 1, U.S. Captain John “Atco” Atkins declared himself “King of the Quaich,” citing what he called “overwhelming support from millions and millions of Quaich fans.”

In a long and rambling 49-minute-long speech, Atco promised to make his monarchy “so much better, so much classier than the British ones.”  He stated that the title of Captain was “too weak, too small” and didn’t garner him “enough respect.”  

“You know, a lot of people don’t realize this, but I’ll probably be the best king in history. Better than the British kings –– some were okay, but a lot of them? Very weak. Lame. Not a lot of winning,” said Atco.  “As King of the Quaich, I’ll have the biggest, classiest throne, gold-plated of course, and the people would absolutely love it.”

Quaich fans worldwide responded to the declaration with a mix of shock, amusement and deep concern. In a poll of more than 2,000 British adults, The Mirror newspaper found that three fifths of the British public have a negative view of Atco. He has a lower approval rating than any American captain in recent history.

“Fake news,” responded Atco. “They love me over there.”