Team Scotland Creates “Task Force” To Solve Quaich Woes

Having failed to win the Quaich in the post-Covid era, it’s clear that Team Scotland need to make a change. Select players from the team met secretly on the Spanish island of Mallorca over the weekend to facilitate a transformation in the team’s structure. 

Notably absent from the conclave was current Team Captain Michael “Wee Mikey P” Peyrebrune. Rumors of a rift within team ranks have been circulating for months. Insiders say that several members of Team Scotland felt that Wee Mikey P. was aloof and distant throughout Quaich 2024 in The Highlands —a stark contrast to former Scotland captain Ian “Big Man” MacCallum's buddy-buddy relationship with his players.  

The task force on Mallorca

“The players weren't involved in decisions in The Highlands,” said Ben Borland, Editor of the Scottish Daily Express. “Our sources tell us that this Task Force is an attempt to wrestle control back from Wee Mikey P.”

Chief among team complaints in The Highlands was the absolute lack of pre-round nourishment. “I cannae play ma best as teem whar ma belly.” said Ross “Rosco” MacCallum. The task force recommendations to ensure future success also include a safety audit of Allen “Oor Wullie” Wilson’s home with a thorough assessment of all cutting applications, family members, working environment and safety culture. In addition, the task force called for a total hip arthroplasty for Big Man.

Although not invited to be part of the task force, Tony “Hef” Denson communicated
his recommendation that all of Team Scotland immediately start testosterone replacement therapy. “I find it increases muscle mass and strength, and enhances energy levels,” said Hef. “Not to mention my improved libido and sexual function!”

The 2026 Quaich is to be played in the U.S. at a date and location to be announced soon.